HOW good does Fern Britton look these days?

I’ve been off work, laid up with a bad back that’s had me knocked out for a week but seriously struggling for the past month, the crippling curse of sciatica rendering me even more useless than usual.

So, like any good patient, I’ve been spending my days watching daytime TV and trying not to test my pain threshold by crawling my way to the kitchen cupboards. Or berate myself too much for not watching what I ate. And you can’t be a perfectionist in short bursts, can you? Then again…

I tried looking up cat training on the internet, but I couldn’t find a page to teach Reggie how to make cheese on toast or go the shops to get me fags and cheese and chive Pringles. Shame.

Anyway, I’m always interested in watching This Morning because I quite like one of TV’s token big birds, Alison Hammond.

I remember interviewing her after she came out of Big Brother 3, surprisingly evicted after the second week.

She answered her phone while trying to fast walk on the treadmill, thinking that getting fit would get her a TV job.

Some bright eyed non-fattist wonder, who obviously knows that people relate more to “real” women on the box than girls from the fun house or Playboy mansion, told her to hop off and just be herself.

So while other BB housemates, including winners, have pretty much disappeared, Alison became the darling of ITV as a celebrity interviewer extraordinaire – and she didn‘t have to lose a pound in the process.

You couldn’t help but like her on the show, as she just seemed to really like herself. She danced, she moved about, she was self-assured, she was sassy, fun loving and lovely looking.

And that comes across on the telly without the aid of lip gloss or an industrial sized pair of belly warmers.

She’s on This Morning with Fern, who seems to have lost about four stones overnight.

As far as I know, she hasn’t talked about what she’s done or signed some big exclusive magazine deal to talk about how she’s “found” herself, which makes me wonder if she’s keeping the big secret of her success – ummm, eat less, move more I wonder? – under wraps for a book.

I’ve scoured the internet for news on her weight loss, but all I can find is speculation, and people talking about her sudden love of cycling and walking the dog.

I got a dog once, with the intention of going for a walk with him every night. Honest. Anyway, he got fat, I got fatter, and neither of us caught a cold from 7pm jaunts around Hengoed in the rain.

He’s now living a life of luxury, complete with three walks a day, with Dad Jones. I’m still dogless, but my breasts are still capable of looking like they’re hanging like a panting poodle’s tongue on a humid July Sunday.

But Fern seems to have cracked the eating less, moving more equation and looks amazing on it. She’s still got meat on her bones, but you can see her shape better now.

Her belly’s gone, her cheekbones are back, she’s in leggings and knee-high boots for god’s sake!

I thought she looked great before her Lance Armstrong moment, mind you – like Alison on BB3, she just seemed to look happy in her skin and there’s nothing more attractive I don’t think.

Fat, thin, face like a 10lb trout, beauty queen or like someone set it on fire and knocked it out with a cricket bat, feeling like you’ve got it going on means that you HAVE got it going on.

Confidence is infectious – as are meal deals in Pizza Hut. And that’s where I’m hitting the concrete wall that bounces me back into the realms of a yo-yo dieter.

As for me, I’m considering taking up cycling – but I don’t want to run the risk of blocking out the sun every time I bend over to change gears.