Can I just dispel ...

... a fat fact from the get go? Big birds don’t get up in the morning, step out of the shower and reach for an eclair before the deodorant.

It’s an urban myth, right up there with it’s not what you look like on the outside but how beautiful your heart is, or some such cereal packet absurdity.

Don’t you just love it when people assume that all you do is stuff your face all day long if you’re on the upper side of fabulous? Speaking as a card carrying member of the Fat ‘n’ Flawed gang, I’m too busy working out which diet plan I’m on from one minute to the next (depending on if I fancy carbs, cream cakes or taking up jogging) to think about what people really think about my eating habits or lifestyle choices.

To set the record straight, I have a really balanced diet – if you take that to mean a doughnut in each hand.

Seriously though, I eat well – I just sometimes eat too much of the good stuff. I’m also lazy, but I have the occasional spurt of activity.

I just forget to keep sight of the much bigger picture that is a healthier, fitter, more attractive me. In effect, I’m thin on balanced thinking.

Anyway, another fact about fat has been crushed this week which says that there’s no such thing as a naturally slim woman.

I’m reluctant to believe it though, that some of my thin gal pals aren’t naturally built that way despite stuffing themselves with all they like, and boozing too (at least that’s one sin I’m not guilty of).

I mean, if I ate and binged like they do, doesn’t it follow that I should be shaped like them?

Round’s a shape, right?

I have this relative who’s an egg-timer-shaped size 12 and she is positively dangerous around gateau.

Her idea of a good meal is an industrial-sized packet of pick‘n’mix followed by a pastie, McDonald’s ecstatic meal and ice-cream (mountain, not cone).

Apparently though, there’s no such thing as the skinny gene – just thin secrets, to which I obviously haven’t been privy to.

Genetics expert Dr Liz Kingsley has spent the last few years researching why some women seem to stay slim effortlessly while the rest of us chubby-faced mortals appear to balloon by feet around the belly area, rather than age-induced inches.

And her conclusion? Nobody’s born slim, but star figures belonging to bootylicious Tyra Banks to toothpick tastic Victoria Beckham are the result of hard work, not some genetic predisposition.

The brainbox says, “Many people believe they are a victim of genetics, particularly since the ‘fat gene’ was discovered earlier this year.

“This gene, which makes people more prone to store fat, affects one in six.

“However, our genes haven’t changed in centuries – one in six of our grandparents had this gene too, yet far fewer people were obese then.

“People with that fat gene are only predisposed to carry an extra 6lb, which can’t account for the current obesity crisis. The problem is down to lifestyle, not genetics.” It follows, then, that since these genes haven’t made you fat or plump or looking like you’ve got too much junk in the trunk, they also didn’t give slimmer girls hollow legs. Hmpf. Just nicer ones. “In my research,” bleats the shock doc, “I discovered the main difference between those who remain slim and those who don’t is behaviour.

“The good news is these ‘slim attitudes’ can be learned, leading to permanent weight loss.”

So where can you get a list of dos and don’ts that’ll make you lose weight without following that tried and tested old fashioned formula, living on fags and cheap cider? In the doc’s book, Thin Secrets (Bubbly Publishing).

I’ve dipped in – without the aid of a cheese straw, thank you very much – and found four rules of thinbalina etiquette.

1 Slim people have slim habits Don’t assume slim people are shaped that way without much effort. Compare their lifestyle and activity level to that of your common or garden lardy a*** and you’ll see all the evidence you’ll need, says Dr Liz.

2 Slim people make their size a priority Did you know that being slim doesn’t just happen, you have to make it happen? Who knew! You should see the work I had to put into being a size 22.

3 Slim people don’t ignore small changes Slimmies, I assume because they can get up out of a chair quicker, take action as soon as they notice a difference in the way their jeans fit.

4 Slim people don’t diet They don’t ban food, eat cereal morning, noon and night, avoid chocolate on a Wednesday at 4.17pm precisely or think that if they diet in January, they can “stock-up” at Christmas.

But it’s hard to change the habits of a lifetime, isn’t it?

I can make excuses about the way my mind works, but I find it so very hard to make the right choices when it comes to feeling less fat in the head.